Bapak (Father) : Mayam! Lama tak nampak~
Me : Ahh!! Pak..
Bapak : Abey tak bilang bapak?
Me : huh?
Bapak :bapak pun nk tgk wedhok (daughter) bapak bahas camner..ader cam bapaknyer ngak..
Me : Ouh..Org simpanan jer lah..
Bapak : Oh... *smiles*
Me : *smiles*




i know.. i know that u're disappointed someway somehow.. well okeh, let's not use that word.. cause i have ppl who once shouted at me "IM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!" and i know that person's angry plus sad. and i know u're not angry at me.. u're just.. just.. let say.. kecewa? that sounds lighter..

I know you're sad but you tried to hide it away.

You smile and try to sound u're okay with it.

But no.. you failed.. cause i can still hear the 'Oh..' from you.. it's not that 'Oh, Okay! =D'

I'm sorry i'm not like you. I can't do things spontaneously. I am not like you when it comes to that. I still have to do my text. I know you don't. You just write points. And you have no problems constructing sentences and analogi in public. I'm sorry i'm not like you. I'm okay with it.. but i know how much you would love to see me just like you .. I'm not such a pro like you.. even in silat.. i still think you're the best.. you would dress up like no pro.. you just wear like 'what only' fashion sense.. but no matter how u present ur self.. ppl still look u up.. ppl still call upon u to do some spontaneous performance. i envy you. i just can't. i would pengsan lah dey..

& eventho there are things that you did always fails, you never give up. You always try and try.. you nevr give up.. and still give your best..

you always tell me this i remember,

"buat bender biar betul2.. biar sempurna... klw sembronoh.. baik tak payah.."

You tried to make me feel good and important. you never fail, you know that? you never fail to make me feel important.



Bapak : "Mana kita boleh jumpa diamond?"

me : "in the ground? dalam bawah tanah?"

Bapak : "uhuh.. so mayam tgk.. kita nk dptkan diamond.. somthing yang amat berharga..kita kene carik dlm tanah.. payah tau nk carik diamond.. so mayam nih.. ibarat diamond.. yang tersimpan kat dalam2.. amat berharga.. biler org nk.. nk kene carik bawah2.. bukan sng2 nk dpt.. "

me : *smiles* + *almost wanted to cry*



I'm sorry i disappoint you. but i know somehow you're proud of me that i made it into the team (:

I still remember the day (i'm in primary 6) you said,



Bapak : Alaaa.. maarif kene tunggu mayam ngn huda r masuk aru ley dpt first. insyAllah (:
me : insyAllah..



you're the only one who had all the confidence in me. you trusted me.

eventhough i've always disappoint you,

but you never ever gave up on me.

you never shout at me. you never scold me even.

you understand me most. eventhough they said mother knows best. i don't disagree with that but neither do i agree. maybe a part of it. but to me, it's you. it's you and yai... both of you nv fail to make me smile.. nv fail to make me cry (in a good way) everytime you advise me about life. When yai's gone, i only have you. only you. you tried to make me close with mum. but nah.. this feeling.. eventhough she's my mum.. yes i do feel guilty to say that i don't feel close to her cause she' the one who carries me 9 months 10 days isint it? but.. how ? it's always you who had defend and sheilded me from her scoldings and beatings. Eventhough since small till now i always did naughty things and diappoint you, you nv gave up on me.



i remember the time, when i did the most stupidest thing, you didnt shout at me or showed that u're angry.. instead you wrote me letters and slipped it under my bedroom door at night.. you gave me notes.. telling that you love me.. and you only wanted me to be good.. you asked me why i did what i did in the nicest sentence ever.. you would call yourself ayahnda.. call me anaknda.. you're so cute.. you made me laugh...

you're so like yai.. he wrote a book.. all about me from small till primary.. then he couldn't continue.. for some reasons he told me to continue wrting it.. but it wouldnt be the same right? remember the time i was given a good beating from mum.. then suddenly yai came out from his room and recite the adzan.. we wondered why.. and you remember what he replied?
he said something like...

"biar setan nye lari... yang dah rasuk org asek nk marah2 anak smpi pukul2...."

it was funny.. i wanted to laugh.. but when i looked at mum.. i know she realised.. maybe she's gone a bit too far.. and i was sorry she was sorry.. and everything went fine (:

and he could be really humble.. like.. he olwaes said.. he doesn't know how to solat for 70 yrs..and those last few years of his life.. then he know.. i ws thinking.. 'what do you mean.. not know? i always saw u solat......" then he aid " i do not know the meaning of the ayats that i read all these while... it's the same"

i go like.. ahh.. then how bout me? tsk sk.. and call myself a madrasah student?tsk tsk


you're the best father i could ever ask for. you once asked me if i was given a choice to change you with somebody else's father, who would it be? i said, TAK MAU!!!! (and again i wanted to cry.. so emo lah me.. still you nv gave up on me (: )


i know that i've disappoint you loads of times.. but there are times when i did small lil things that you made you proud.. i knew.. i knew.. and i nv want to let those memories go.. it's so beautiful.. to see you happy and proud of me (: to see yai happy and proud of me..

I remember the time when I manage to came in first in Silat national championship. eventho you couldn't make it to support me there, but after game when i called you to tell you the results.. i could hear you smiling then (:

you were proud of me for lil things that i did, even when i got my first job to teach at the mosque eventhough it's like im just a sub tchr. like i said you always make me feel important (:

The last time I met yai before he went to meet HIM, he congratulated me cause i could speak english. it's funny. cause like every s'porean can whaaat. but nah.. he was surprised.. he was proud i know.. he said,

"alhamdulillah.. putu yai... (: boleh cakap melayu.. inggeris.. arab.. jawa pun sikit2 kan?"

oh.. n how i miss him asking me,

"mayam uwes mangen?"

& so again, i'm sorry that i ever disappoint you again and again..

but i know.. there's still this one thing i can do that'll make you proud of me again...

i'll make that time come fast..

cause i can see you smiling now..



Oh Allah, please guide me and give me strength for you know only you can help me now (:









Kakak Sayang Bapak.......
Mayam sayang yai jugak..................